


The Unofficial Guide to the Intrepid

by CasGetYourShotgun



Category: Redshirts - John Scalzi
Genre: Gen, Metafiction, Post-Canon, Star Trek References, because this is star trek with the serial numbers filed off, mentions of abernathy/q'eeng
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:08:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24528151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasGetYourShotgun/pseuds/CasGetYourShotgun
Summary: Life on the Universal Union's flagship vessel can be tricky, but don't panic! Your fellow crewmen have you covered!Sort of.
Kudos: 4





	The Unofficial Guide to the Intrepid

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this four or five years ago but never ended up publishing it. I haven't edited this since then, so what I am presenting to you now is the story Sixth Form Me wanted you to read.

**_So, you’ve been assigned to the_ ** **Intrepid** **_?_ **

You’ll have heard what a wonderful opportunity this is, how cutting-edge the research is, all the standard spiel that comes with being assigned to the Dub U flagship. What they don’t tell you is that this might be the most dangerous posting in Space Fleet.

It might not be as bad as it  _ was _ , but as a  redshirt low-ranked crewmember you’ll have to face a very scary possibility - you might not make it home in one piece. You may very well be found in several smaller pieces. Or vaporised. Or eaten.

But  **don’t panic!** We've already done all the panicking for you, and this guide might just raise your chances of surviving without any serious injuries. We’ll also be giving you some helpful hints for everyday life aboard the most  existential-crisis-inducing exciting ship in the fleet. 

We’re pretty sure that this time next Earth year, things will be a lot less  lethal and insane eventful, but until then, let this pamphlet be your guide to the galaxy!

  1. Although the _Intrepid’s_ death rate might not be the highest in Space Fleet any more, our injury rate for away missions has spiked recently. Now that you know this, you might be thinking about avoiding these missions. _Don’t_. It won’t work, and if it does then whichever redshirt crewmember goes in your place will most likely suffer as a result and be _seriously pissed off._ And might come after you with a pulse gun. Is it really worth it? No.
  2. The following people will never be killed on an away mission: Captain Abernathy; Science Officer Q’eeng; Medical Chief Hartnell; Chief Engineer West; Lieutenant Kerensky; Lieutenant Duvall; Lieutenant Dahl; Ensign Hester; Ensign Hanson. _If you are part of an away mission, try to be part of one with somebody from the latter five._ They _might_ be able to help you should things head south. Emphasis on _might._ Experience doesn’t always overcome bad luck. (If you’re with none of them but any of the other four, you’d better hope it’s Hartnell because your chances of serious injury just doubled.)
  3. If your pulse gun jams, whacking it against a solid surface in an attempt to un-jam it will either cause it to misfire and injure someone (possibly you), or break the pulse gun. They're pretty cheaply made, even if every source you have says they’re state-of-the-art. So don’t do this. Seriously. _Don’t_.
  4. The Captain of a Dub U vessel is generally discouraged from relationships with subordinates. With this in mind, the association between Captain Abernathy and Science Officer Q’eeng is purely professional; however, Command has made it clear that, in the unlikely event that it were otherwise, they would be willing to turn a blind eye in order to avoid breaking up one of their best command teams, provided they could pretend they _did not know about it_. In this _purely hypothetical_ scenario, you would _keep your mouth shut._ Capische?
  5. The on-again/off-again relationship between Duvall and Kerensky is _very_ real and absolutely available as a topic of discussion, innuendo, or technically-forbidden betting pools. The officers in question are mostly okay with all this when they’re 'on’ (except for the pools). When they’re 'off', if Duvall hears you, you’re probably screwed, because she could and would kill you with a spork. Exercise caution.
  6. If the _Intrepid_ is in the middle of evasive maneuvers or a space battle, brace yourself and hang on tightly to something, be it a railing, a seat, or another crew member. Your buttocks will thank you for it. Our inertial dampeners aren’t worth shit, and they always seem to fail just when we really need to avoid being thrown on our asses.
  7. If you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget. (This applies mainly to any inexplicable event which you feel no compulsion to report (on a ship this weird, some things are just better left unmentioned), but would also prove invaluable when hypothetically abiding by Tip #4. If there was a reason to abide by Tip #4. Which there isn’t. Obviously.)
  8. Make sure that at least three people on the _Intrepid_ know your full name, and preferably one interesting fact about you. The selection should include at _least_ one person from the list in Tip #2. This sounds stupid, we know. Do it anyway. And if it’s one of the bridge crew (with the exception of Dahl and Kerensky) then try and do it _subtly_. Correcting Abernathy’s inevitable mangling of your surname with a variation on ‘It’s Z, sir. X Y Z’ is probably a good way to do this. Even if he doesn’t remember it (and he won’t), someone else will.
  9. Don’t get meatloaf in the canteen. It’s gross. Really, _really_ gross. You’ll regret it so much.
  10. You cannot trust your own mind.



On this ship, there are forces at work beyond your comprehension, and this guide isn’t telling you the whole truth. The injury rate isn’t just bad luck. The reason we don’t talk about the purely hypothetical and utterly nonexistent relationship between Abernathy and Q'eeng isn’t just for plausible deniability. And the names thing? That might  _ sound _ like a silly superstition, but it’s not.

It’s  _ really _ not.

Weird shit happens on this ship. People hear voices inciting them to take action, even if it’s a horrible idea. Memories surface that just shouldn’t  _ be. _ Abernathy might suddenly get your name right. The laws of physics take a holiday. Coincidence is stretched to its limit and beyond.

And when the consoles on the bridge start sparking, or you come face to face with some scientifically-implausible life form, you’d better hope somebody remembers your name.

It’s probably best if you don’t try to find out the reason why. We discovered all this so you don’t have to, and trust us, you’re better off for it. If you encounter anything that doesn’t make sense, we direct you to Tip #7. We might even end up drinking with you. We’d all rather just ignore it, and if you’re smart and you value your sanity, you’ll stay the fuck away. You’ll pretend there is no Tip #10, and you’ll keep your head down. You’ll do what’s required of you and nothing more.

But if you’re anything like us, there’s a man on board this ship who could once be found living in the cargo tunnels, but who now mixes freely with the rest of us under the artificial lights of the  _ Intrepid _ . He still has his reputation, though, so we don’t have to give you his name. You’ll find him if you really want to (or perhaps he’ll find  _ you _ ). And he'll tell you why our little world works the way it does.

You might not believe it, and it  _ still _ won’t be the whole truth. The full, unabridged, undiluted tale is  _ much  _ weirder. But what he’ll tell you is close enough.

Just don’t expect to see your world the same way again. You can never go back once you know.  **_You have been warned._ **

One more thing, for those of you who looked at #10 and (sensibly) decided not to dig too deep: look up an old 20th-century TV show called  _ Star Trek: The Original Series. _ It might just save your life.

**Good luck.**


End file.
